Disclaimer: I do NOT own Kristin Chenoweth or Idina Menzel.... *sighs*
Rating: NC-17 because I say so... :D
Warning: High Angst
Chapter One
She had been sitting at her computer for hours. She didn’t know where the key board started and her frantic typing fingers ended. Tears burned her eyes and left frightened red marks down her cheeks and she frantically typed the two words into the search bar: Kristin Chenoweth.
She needed to find her. She needed to see her. Be with her, smell her strawberry shampoo, taste her strawberry lip gloss as their lips slid together in a perfect dance.
But she didn’t know if she’d ever find her again. She hadn’t seen the almost perfect blonde for a year and a half. She missed her.
“Baby, look at me…” tears making her choke on the words, “Kris…”
Kristin rolled over, slowly opening her eyes, she glanced at the woman standing over her and let out a deep sigh. “I can’t…”
Those two words ripped her soul apart and left her heart barely beating. Why couldn’t she just tell her the truth? She didn’t love him, want to be with him or even see him ever again. But something was keeping her from just opening her mouth and spewing the contents out.
“I can’t…” Kristin sat, pushing her away from her, “I won’t!”
That was the last time their lips touched, fingers entwined and eyes burned into each others. She needed this woman.
The cell phone sitting to her right vibrated the computer desk, bringing her back to reality. She looked down at it.
TRACIE, it read.
She didn’t want to deal with Tracie right now. The whole “Trasario-love” bullshit was actually making her think that there was something going on between Rosario and Tracie, but right now she didn’t care.
She knew that Tracie had probably talked to him, and was just concerned about her. She sighed and picked up the phone, just before it hit the voice mail.
“…Hello?” Tracie said, into the receiver.
“I’m here…” Her voice was small and shaky, but the weakness behind it even frightened her a little bit.
“Oh honey, I’m coming over… Ro’s coming with me.” Tracie said, making up her mind for her best friend.
“Okay,” She said in a small voice, “George, the door man, will let you up. It’s unlocked.”
Tracie’s voice barely made it into her brain as she said, “I love you honey. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”
She sat the phone back down and clicked on the Windows Media Player icon. She scanned through her thousands of songs on her playlist, but she didn’t want to hear anything but her voice. She clicked on “Borrowed Angels,” by Kristin Chenoweth and the soft, beautiful voice rang out through the speakers. She put her head in her hands and closed her eyes, listening to the beautiful sound threaten to break her soul even more. She sobbed.
“Tracie, what are you doing? Why are you getting dressed…?” Rosario asked groggily as she was woken up from her nap, from the sound of dresser drawers slamming shut.
“We have to go to her Ro…” Tracie said, stopping in front of her dresser, feeling Rosario’s lithe arms wrap around her waist from behind, “She’s loosing herself. First she lost Kris and now… Taye.”
Tracie let a sob rack through her body. Taye had been her best friend, lover, confidant, but in the end none of it matter as she found him, in her own bed, sleeping with some trashy prostitute.
“Shh baby,” Rosario soothed, kissing Tracie’s bare shoulder, “Let’s go to her.”
Sure enough, 15 minutes later, George let the two worried women into the lobby of the apartment building, and they almost ran to the elevator.
Rosario pushed the number 15 button and the doors to the elevator slowly closed. Tracie wrapped her arms around Rosario from behind as the elevator shuddered to life as it ascended the 15 floors. Rosario knew that Tracie was scared. If it hadn’t been for Rent, for her… Rosario and Tracie would have never met, and would have never fallen in love.
Rosario turned slowly in Tracie’s arms, kissing her softly on the nose, “it’s going to be okay baby…”
Tracie nodded as she felt a hot tear sting her cheek. “I hate him. And I hate Kristin…”
Rosario frowned and kissing Tracie’s quivering lips softly, “No. You don’t hate Kris; you are disappointed with her… Don’t let her hear you say that about Kris, it’ll be bad Tracie, you know that… But him…”
Tracie looked into her lovers beautiful brown eyes, “You hate him too. And she does now too.”
Rosario nodded and sighed as she felt the elevator jump as the reached the 15th floor.
Still she sat at the computer, now with her head on the desktop, arms clutching her own stomach because of the pain of sheer hurt, and rejection by the two people she loved more than life itself. She had put “Borrowed Angels” on repeat and silently sobbed when she heard the beautiful lyrics.
She didn’t even hear the bedroom door open or the soft steps coming up next to her. When she finally opened her bloodshot eyes, she looked into Rosario’s beautiful eyes and let herself fall to the floor. Crumbling into a shaking, emotionally beaten woman, she sobbed and softly screamed as Rosario and Tracie held onto her, promising not to let go.
“Shh Dee…” That was what Kris had called her, all the time.
“Don’t…” She sobbed harder, hearing the pet name. “Don’t call me Dee… please.”
Rosario looked into Tracie for support and comfort, as did the other girl. This was going to be a long, hard night, and neither one of them had any idea what Idina was going through.
“Okay baby…” Rosario said, lifting the taller woman up to her feet, helping her stand on shaky knees. “Let’s get you some water to help you calm down okay?”
Idina nodded against Rosario’s shoulder as she felt Tracie’s fingers softly wrap around her biceps and pulled her out of the bedroom into the living room.
Idina fell into the couch and pulled her knees to her chin, looking at the centerpiece on top of the table. It was a glass, 12 inch black witches hat that had the words, “For Good” carved into the brim of the hat in pink and green letters. She shuddered when she remembered getting the gift.
“Hi baby!” Kristin nearly sang as she entered the diva’s dressing room.
Idina smiled at the giddiness of Kristin’s enter and let herself be pulled up from her vanity chair into a soft, but loving embrace.
Kristin sighed as she smiled, cuddling into Idina’s chest even more. Idina planted a soft kiss into the shimmering blonde hair beneath her chin.
“I have a surprise for you my love,” Kristin said, pulling back. She lifted herself on to her tip toes and kissing Idina chastely on the mouth with a beaming smile.
“Kris…” She was cut off by the soft lips on hers.
“I know I know, you don’t like surprises…” Kristin said, spinning on her heal and headed over to the couch. She picked up a medium sized package. It was wrapped in black paper with rainbow stars, scattered throughout the design.
She turned and reached out for Idina’s hand. Taking the soft hand, she pushed her gently onto the couch and placed herself over Idina’s thighs. Straddling her.
She handed her love the package. “I hope you like it.”
Idina smiled, and then kissed Kristin’s cheek softly. “I know I will, it’s from you baby.”
Kristin beamed as Idina carefully opened the package. Kristin let out a little giggle because of the careful way Idina opened the package. Kristin had told her it was quirky the first time she had seen her do it, but Idina said that it was just something else Kristin could love about her. Of course, she said this sarcastically, but it made Kristin’s heart leap at the idea of there being so many things she loved about this woman, sitting underneath her.
As she opened the box and pulled out the centerpiece, happy tears fell down her cheeks. She looked into Kristin’s sapphire blue eyes and nodded with a huge smile.
“Yes baby,” She kissed her lips softly, “For Good.”
Tracie’s arm wrapping around her shoulders brought her back to life. Why was this all happening?
“Talk to us…” Tracie said quietly, squeezing Idina’s shoulders lightly.
She sighed and put her head on her knees. “I just… I need to see her.”
Tracie nodded as Rosario sat on the coffee table in front of the two women. She was blocking the view of the hat and somehow it made it just a little bit easier for Idina.
She took a calming deep breath and decided to start at the beginning.
“When I found him… with,” Idina sighed and rubbed her eyes, “With that … person. I broke guys.”
Rosario pulled a foot over to her and started massaging the foot.
Idina continued, “I found them in my bed. No, not my bed, Kris and my bed. He violated the last place she had been in my life. When I asked him about it, it wasn’t the fact that he had cheated on me, because …”
She laughed, “He said that the reason he did it here was to get back at me for all the times I had Kris in there with me.”
Tracie was appalled by Taye and clutched her hand into a fist, “But…”
“No Tracie,” Idina said softly, “There’s more.”
“I asked him why he even cared and he said that he loved me.” Idina laughed again, “I said “you love me?” and he honestly shocked. Sooo…. I let him have it. Menzel style.”
Rosario laughed. She had been at the blunt end of the “Menzel Style” ass ripping on several occasions and it was not a pretty sight. Idina continued to tell the girls what had been said and that he told her he wanted a divorce. He also said he didn’t care about the back lash it would have on his career. He wanted out.
Rosario nodded but stilled her fingers and Idina’s ankle, causing the brunette to look up at her. “Then why with the crying… I mean granted, you just got cheated on and then with the rest of what happened, but why… I mean the Kristin… why?”
Idina sighed and slowly pulled herself out of the women’s embraces. She started pacing around the living room. “Do you even understand what she means to me?”
Tracie and Rosario shook their heads in unison. They were sitting together on the couch now, Rosario’s head in Tracie’s lap, looking at Idina.
Idina stopped pacing and stared at the two’s position, “Yeah, Trasario totally exists.”
Tracie smiled down at Rosario, who in returned laughed and kissed Tracie’s hand.
“That’s not the point Idina,” Tracie said running her hands through her girlfriend’s hair, “Tonight is about you, not us.”
Idina nodded. Where did everything go wrong with her life? She knew exactly when it went wrong. She had told Kristin she was scared about leaving Taye because she didn’t want to ruin any careers. Kristin was pissed and deeply hurt. She couldn’t even look her in the eyes.
“I couldn’t leave him for her…” She said, shyly, looking down at her feet, “I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s lives… it was selfish and stupid and…”
“You regret it…” a voice said from the doorway. Idina turned and saw her baby sister standing there.
“Cara…” Idina said as she collapsed into her sister’s embrace as sobs shook throughout her body. “I miss her so much sis…”
“Shh ‘Dina…” Cara soothed. “We’ll find her okay?”
Idina sat up, looking at her friends, her sister and then her hands. “I don’t think she wants me to find her…”
“How do you know that?” Cara said, lifting her sister’s chin with a finger. “How do you know that she’s not just as distraught as you are now…”
Idina shrugged, “She’s not…”
Cara sighed and blew her bangs from her eyes, “Will you just shut up and listen for once? God damnit Idina!”
Idina pulled away from her sister and looked at her friends with total shock. The two women on the couch just shrugged and gave Idina a “you’d better listen to her” look.
Idina sighed and quietly said, “I’m listening…”
Cara took a breath, “’Dina, all your marriage you were controlled. Manipulated, pushed, told what to wear, what do smell like, when to smile when to frown, when to look pissed and when to look happy…”
Idina had tears flowing down her cheeks but nodded, still listening with her mouth shut.
“Honey, I know you love Kristin with every fiber of your being, but you needed to be able to control some aspect of your life, and Kristin didn’t deserve that. You know that! When you told her that you wouldn’t leave him, but asked her to stay, begged and pleaded for her to stay, you were trying to control her life. How could you even think she would want to share you Dee!?!?”
Cara was up and yelling now, she was angry at her sister for being so naïve and concerned at the same time. She had never seen her sister like this before but knew that the only way to get through to her was to yell at her.
“I… I don’t know.” Idina said sheepishly.
“Did you want to share her? You didn’t want anyone to have her; the way you did… you couldn’t handle that. And she didn’t want to share you. Do you remember the time when Kris and I had lunch while you were in LA with Taye?”
Idina simply nodded.
“She told me…” Cara sighed, “She told me that if you and Taye didn’t break it off soon, she was really thinking about leaving you because she couldn’t handle it anymore. She’s just as lost as you are and needs you too but, she can’t be with you if you’re going to try and control her life Idina! Don’t you get that? She’s a beautiful, strong, opinionated, and very talented woman, and she doesn’t need you to control her!”
Idina had sobs making her body shake as she curled up into a ball on the floor by the breakfast bar.
“I… I don’t… want to control … her!” Idina half cried, half screamed at her baby sister.
Cara pulled her sister against her chest, “Don’t tell me that, tell her…”
Idina laughed through her tears, “She doesn’t want to see me. She changed her number, moved and completely cut off all ties to us…”
Cara smiled, “I know, but there is a wonderful show called The Apple Tree playing just downtown…”
Idina looked at her sister and then down to her sister’s hand. There was one ticket for the 7 p.m. showing of The Apple Tree for that very night. It was only 5:30 and she was up and in the shower in no time.
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